Stuck in the middle seat? Here’s how to reclaim the armrests

TRAVELLING has always come with complications. Our By The Way Concierge column will take your travel dilemmas to the experts to help you navigate the new normal.

I’m stuck in a middle seat. What do I say to the guy who spreads his elbows across both armrests? – Anonymous

Answer: I reached out to experts on etiquette, leadership and mediation. They shared one key takeaway: anger will get you nowhere.

When you come in hot, it’s natural for your neighbour to respond hot.

“Most people won’t act defensively unless they’re attacked,” said Samantha Karlin, the founder and CEO of the leadership training organisation Empowerment Global.

Establish dominance early by assuming both armrests from the moment you sit down, but lay some groundwork in case of encroachment.

Since we’re more inclined to do favours for friends than strangers or enemies, Karlin recommended setting a cordial tone with your neighbours early, taking a “kill them with kindness approach”. “Establishing some sort of relationship is key,” she said.

When they take their seats, try some small talk to take the edge off.

Then if you’re feeling cramped later or have some other qualm, address it nicely.

Karlin suggested: “Gosh, the middle seat is awful. I’m exhausted, do you mind if I take this armrest?”

Jaclyn Roberson, a senior partner and mediator at Roberson Duran Law, advised that “your energy can dictate someone else’s energy”. “If you do go in calm and polite, you might encourage the other person to behave in the same manner.”

Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert and the owner of the Protocol School of Texas, told me there was really no good way to tell a person to move. “It’s reprimanding someone, it’s uncomfortable for us,” she said.

Gottsman said the best you could

do was ask with courtesy. “Would you mind moving over a little bit?” might do the trick.

“Approach them as best as possible, watching our facial expressions, watching our tone of voice, not flailing our hands, acting disgruntled and irritated,” Gottsman said. “That’s just going to set them off.”

Should they snap, tell a flight attendant.

Yes, you’re owed both armrests. Yes, you should ask for them if you’re feeling slighted. But you also need to have realistic expectations. Flying economy is miserable for everyone.

“In mediation, I always tell people you’re not going to walk out of here with everything you want,” Roberson said. “Sometimes you’re going to have to give to get.”

If you couldn’t coax the entire armrest, perhaps you could share it.

Your other option was to pay the money for the aisle,” Karlin said.